Worth vs Values

Hypnotherapy and Psycho-therapeutic counselling, REBT, and NLP Transformation Coach based in Marlow, Bucks.

Worth and Value in this post refers to the intangible internal thought process, the internal psychological possession and not the tangible materialistic external possession. The inner stuff. The inner worth versus inner value.

Worth or worthiness is a perception which a person is deserving to be rated, to deserve something. Worth is an internal perception of self. It is an internal interpretation of something or someone. Worth has equivalent value to monetary sum or specific item. Worth is a measurement of qualities at face-value. Worth, in this post is about esteem. Personal reflection of a person’s subjective evaluation of the self or others. Worth is at our core. It places judgement on the self or others which form an attitude.

It serves healthy ego satisfaction and narcissism which results in confidence and high esteem. But, unhealthy ego satisfaction perversely results in contemptuous self-defeating behaviours and arrogance, including unhealthy narcissistic tendencies.

When someone or something one does is worthiness, it holds significance. When I decided to start my MA, I felt worthy to start the training because I know within my core that I can do it and it is worth doing. I was pleased to be accepted, I felt worthy to the course of training.

Social interactions and games people play are determined by the unconscious sense of self-worth. A person with low self-worth will often capitulate with a person with high self-worth. This may be because they lack perception of self-esteem and disclaim their worth and sense of being. This person does not see themselves as equal. This person will not exert volition. This person idolises others to be worthier.

Other reasons may include conditioned behaviours, cultural, and family roles. Each family members have a role; each role hold status and with that status is a hierarchy of worth which other family members must obey. Most society has cultural rules that maybe unspoken, the tribal leader holds worthy stature over its community as member respect and worship them. Each culture may be religious and this also hold worth.

Self-worth or self-worthiness is a self-perception or self-reflection of own value.

Values is an internal cognitive sense. How much do you feel value? How much value do your place, on your self-worth? Value, in this post, is a self-efficacy of self-worth. Value is the expressive presentation of your self-worth. Value is placed on stature, respectability and sometime class. Value can be materialistic and can be brought. Value can be seen to have a price tag. I know how my value as a therapist and I think I am worth the price that I charge.

As an employee, many of us, do not feel value in our role and hence do not get remuneration package that we deserve. Some employee has value which may be less deserving than the package. Value is said to be linked to ‘deserving’. Value can also be rewarded in kind such as reciprocal services. A husband who values his home-stay wife might show his kindness in intimacy. A wife might show her husband’s value by a welcoming home-cooked meal. A friend might value her friendship with loyalty.

Worth and value are intimately connected, interplay with synchronicity. Worth and value bond to form self-esteem, self-confident and self-love. Explore your self-worth and your value. How well do they get along? Do they harmonise? Are they well-tuned?

Self-worth doesn’t happen overnight and doesn’t grow on tree. It is something that need constant focus and attention. As you have self-worth, your value will naturally increase.

Self-worth can be built but it isn’t something that can be taught here. It takes commitment and willingness. It takes energy and determination. It takes time and tender loving care. It takes empathetic connection within therapeutic relationship to make possible. And it takes a change of mindset.

What is your next step to building your self-worth and value?

 

Step back to my roots

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For years, I’ve been searching and chasing my tails! Like an Ouroboros! Really unsure of what I was looking for and testing different paths, roads and highways. I walked 500 miles. And I walked 500 more!

I don’t regret my search, it was the path that I needed to take. It was the journey that I needed to make.

Now in my 40s, at the virtue life stages of care, I came to a jolt. Halted by the realization, that I am back to the beginning of my search, back to square one, and back to my roots.

I wanted to know who I am, I wanted to know why I am here, I wanted to know; what is my purpose, I wanted to understand; what is my role and I wanted to identify the real me.

In my reach, I have read many self-help books, I have been in counselling and, still in counselling as I am studying for my MA. See more about me. I have reflected, contemplated and explored my psyche. I studied many forms of psychological approaches to understand my psychological profile. I have studied sociological societies and cultural differences. I have personally experienced polarized effects of differences between Eastern and Western societies. I have experimented with different types of therapies, mostly alternative therapies, such as hypnotherapy, NLP, aromatherapy, reflexology, mindfulness, meditation etc.

I wanted to fit in and belong, whether it be in a family group, community group, school group, or social group.

My journey was lonely at times. I had loneliness as my company. At times, I found myself to be lost. Tempted by materialism and greed, I began to acquire un-necessities. I was pressured into being someone that I didn’t like. I was comparing and competing against others, forced to see thou as enemy. I was confused by etiquette and political correctness.

My journey was blocked when I got stuck. Like a runner; hitting a wall, I could go no further. I was physically and mentally exhausted.

I was so busy in my search that I’d missed the beauty of my ecology. I passed through many wonders, many people and many places. Whizzing at 100 miles per hour! I missed it all!

It was only when I came to slowing down. Walking slowly and slowing my speed and pace that I realized what I had missed.

Going right back to my roots, from my earliest memories as a child, I missed the bonding, the connection and the love that I didn’t know or had. I missed having someone that I can trust. I longed for the touch and intimacy of being wanted. I yearned in my heart for the acceptance and welcoming. That’s the reason for my search.

Going back to my roots allow me to retrace my footprints in the sand. It allows me to relive some of the painful experiences and traumas in childhood. It allows me to find the earliest pain that was deep in my core. My heart and my maternal imago, and being Thai and being a Buddhist.

Going back to my roots, I found the gift that was given, the unspoken gifts and the gift made up the person I am today. The gift of love.

Inner child works helped me to find the lost little girl within, healing the sad and pensive child sitting alone in the corner recesses of my mind. I share my inner child experiences with you and I share my story with you, and I will share what I find with you, in Resources.

Today, I am still travelling and I think I will continue searching. Walking a different path, but searching. And searching is no longer daunting or arduous. The searching is fun, hopeful and exciting. Because it is not what I find but it is what I will learn along the ways that matters.

Living with the bullies

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Hypnotherapy and Psycho-therapeutic counselling, REBT, and NLP Transformation Coach based in Marlow, Bucks.

I have spent times with bullies. They are everywhere! They are at work, at home, at school, at my local supermarket, at my social clubs, at my gym and on the road!

Being bullied as a teenager, I know what it is like being the subject of the bullies. Bullies targeted me because I was different; racially prejudice bullies are ripe within our society. Racism is still a problem for many people. I didn’t have the resources to deal with the bullies, but I didn’t yield to being bullied. In the situation, I sat proudly, sat up straight, learning forward, towards the bullies and tall and stared at them blankly at them; with expressionless facial features, showing no emotion of disturbances or annoyances (not giving them the satisfaction that they desire). My head and body raised up, like a venomous snake, ready to pounce, if I must. I continued to stare affixed in their eyes, and I did not yield!

And eventually, they got bored and tired of taunting, and moved onto someone who shown signs of being an ‘easy-target’. The bullying only lasted two terms. I was lucky, back in those days, I could not understand their words (having only been in the UK not even 6 months!), and so it didn’t bother me. But, I still knew from their gestures and signs of body language that I was being bullied.

I knew that I was not going to be a victim of the bullies. I knew that I didn’t want to be the victim of the bullies.

Bullying is a deliberate harming and humiliation from others. It is a very self-effacing behaviour that benefits the bullies. They get insidious, sadistic satisfaction from their taunts. They get gleeful joy from their hilariously un-funny expression and dumb jokes. They are extremely sad and insecure in themselves to have to resort to primitive social conformity, in order to fit in, in order to gain popularity. Bullies are everywhere, you won’t need to look far to see when someone is being bullied.

But it doesn’t have to be that way.

You may find it difficult to believe that bullies does not born this way. A person is generally, mostly good and pure. It is their life script, life experiences, conditioning and interpretations that made them become a bully. It begins in (Erikson’s Psycho-social development stage) the toddler, specifically around the ‘terrible twos’; at this stage, if the child’s aggressive tendencies were not curb or handle healthily, the child goes on to become a bully.

But, bullies would be nothing without victims.

Bullies lack self-confidence and self-esteem. They are plagued by an inner turmoil. Dissatisfied with life and the living. Most often, jealous of their victims that they targeted. They are envious of innocence, purity and naivety. These thinking and feeling make them unhappy and they seek to make their victims to be just as miserable and desolate. They seek to be superior over their victims.

Bullies will bully victims around other people, so that they earn recognition for their actions, with an audience. Next time, they are bulling you – clap your hands!

Different types of bullying includes:-

  • Psychological bullying; repetition and intentional use of degrading words or actions, that result in psychological harm. EG: Stalking, manipulation, intimidation, and blackmailing. This can be passively carried out. Or it can be visibly carried out as sniping and griping in the playground or as office gossips.
  • Cyber bullying; using technology and social media to verbally, socially and psychologically bully. Most recently done as ‘trolling’, as people hides behind social media to target strangers, friends and foes. Making nuisance phone calls and nuisance texts. Bullies watches from nearby for self-gratification.
  • Physical bullying; all forms of physical bodily harm and exertion of force and violence onto another. Including physical injuries such as punching, kicking, hitting a person with another object, with an intent to inflict physical bodily harm.
  • Verbal bullying; using hurtful words, comments, name-calling, teasing and sniping. Again, this can be direct and indirectly carried out. Direct verbal bullying is hurtfully name-calling, bitching at the person directly to their face, and in plain view of others, often done as a joke, in sarcasm around the office environment. Indirect verbal bulling is name-calling, bitching at the victim to another person, but within ear shots, so that it can be discarded as – I wasn’t talking to you! You misheard me, I was talking about someone else! As a diversion, groups are gathered near the victim and conversation is inflow, hurdling indirect verbal bullying.
  • Social or Relational bullying; using relationships to hurt someone. EG: Exclusion, ignoring someone at social activities, from  joining or participating in groups or events. Happens frequently in school playground, during school runs, where parents of same social class will gather to socially bully another parents who is often perceived to be less financially stabled. Or older aged parents grouped together to single out a younger, single parent (and her children, from playing with each other).
  • Sexual bullying; using sexual name-calling, sexual words and phrases to humiliate a person. Using crude and vulgar sexual gestures, uninvited touching and groping, sexual proposition and advances. Any unwarranted, unsolicited comments about a person’s sex/gender and sexual assault. Sexual development in the teenager years, are so vital for development. Sexual bullying around this age, can cause severe under-development of sexual drives. Causing promiscuous relationship development in later life for the victim, whilst satisfying the narcissistic tendencies for the bullies. Sexual bullying can lead to sexual abuse.
  • Racial bullying; using a person’s race, culture or religious differences to humiliate, isolate, and intimidate someone.

All the different types of bullying has the same theme; to target and single out the victim, to isolate and humiliate the victim, to persistently stalk, to continually and repetitively try to break the victim into submission.

From the perception of the person doing the bullying: they think they are dominant, they sadistically feel superior to their victim and gain pleasure from making someone suffer. In the short-term, they want to feel better about themselves, for their lack of self-confidence. They have less self-esteem than their victim (it’s true). They, too, are suffering, psychologically from bullying their victim, but also physically, because mostly, they are often a victim of bullying too, by someone that they cannot stand up to. Pity them if you will.

And as a result, they become mean, angry person, which is why they become bullies. However, this is not true in all cases, but this social theme is fairly common.

As bullies become their bullies, and this cyclical behaviour trend continues, when their victim becomes a bully.

From the perception of the person who is the victim: they think they are submissive, they under-estimate their abilities to cope with the bullying. I’m not suggesting or underplaying the traumatic persistent effect that a person suffer from being bullied. But, if they often think that they are powerless to do anything about it. Thinking that they have no choice but to ‘put up with it’. Thinking that there is no other alternative to handle the bullies. Suffering psychologically, possibly from freezing in situation, possibly from frightfully fearing the bullies, especially if the bullies gang up to target a person.

There are 3 ways that this person can turned out: who would you choose to be?

Person 1 – In order to make themselves feel better about themselves, they go on to bully someone else, who is smaller, weaker and perceived to be non-threatening. Become the bully themselves.

Person 2 – Cowered in the corner, curl up in a ball, become a shrinking violet. Wanting to be invisible and stand isolate, because no one will want to be around you, in case, they too will be a target for bulling. Become quite and withdrawn. Become a punchbag and covered in physical injuries, or psychological and mental scarring. Developing unhealthy eating problems or self-harm to ease the psychological and mental pain. Have difficulty sleeping, having nightmares and night terrors.

Person 3 – Standing tall take the verbal abuse – it’s really true that ‘sticks and stones may break your bones, but words cannot hurt’. Words cannot hurt, especially when they are someone else’s. They aren’t your words, why take them, why make it yours. They aren’t your opinions, why listen to them. Stand up to the bullies with your skillful will, with your witty comments and snap-chat back. Stand up to the bullies, look them in the eyes and stare at them with pity, for their suffering. Stand up to bullying and stand confidently. Stand up to bullying is not necessarily ‘physically fighting’ back, only you can make that call, it is about breaking behaviour and pattern interrupting. Interrupting this cycling of social engagement so that you do no become a bully yourself. Break free from bullying. Seek help and find resources that can help. Tell everyone about the bullying, tell as many people as possible and shout about it.

Bullies don’t have any power over you. You have the power over you. They bully you because you have surrender your power to the other. They bully you because you have unconsciously, unwilling and unknowingly given them permission to target you. But, you can change, and change is possible. You do have it in you to change. And you can start, right now, or during talking therapy with me. The choice is yours.