Worth vs Values

Hypnotherapy and Psycho-therapeutic counselling, REBT, and NLP Transformation Coach based in Marlow, Bucks.

Worth and Value in this post refers to the intangible internal thought process, the internal psychological possession and not the tangible materialistic external possession. The inner stuff. The inner worth versus inner value.

Worth or worthiness is a perception which a person is deserving to be rated, to deserve something. Worth is an internal perception of self. It is an internal interpretation of something or someone. Worth has equivalent value to monetary sum or specific item. Worth is a measurement of qualities at face-value. Worth, in this post is about esteem. Personal reflection of a person’s subjective evaluation of the self or others. Worth is at our core. It places judgement on the self or others which form an attitude.

It serves healthy ego satisfaction and narcissism which results in confidence and high esteem. But, unhealthy ego satisfaction perversely results in contemptuous self-defeating behaviours and arrogance, including unhealthy narcissistic tendencies.

When someone or something one does is worthiness, it holds significance. When I decided to start my MA, I felt worthy to start the training because I know within my core that I can do it and it is worth doing. I was pleased to be accepted, I felt worthy to the course of training.

Social interactions and games people play are determined by the unconscious sense of self-worth. A person with low self-worth will often capitulate with a person with high self-worth. This may be because they lack perception of self-esteem and disclaim their worth and sense of being. This person does not see themselves as equal. This person will not exert volition. This person idolises others to be worthier.

Other reasons may include conditioned behaviours, cultural, and family roles. Each family members have a role; each role hold status and with that status is a hierarchy of worth which other family members must obey. Most society has cultural rules that maybe unspoken, the tribal leader holds worthy stature over its community as member respect and worship them. Each culture may be religious and this also hold worth.

Self-worth or self-worthiness is a self-perception or self-reflection of own value.

Values is an internal cognitive sense. How much do you feel value? How much value do your place, on your self-worth? Value, in this post, is a self-efficacy of self-worth. Value is the expressive presentation of your self-worth. Value is placed on stature, respectability and sometime class. Value can be materialistic and can be brought. Value can be seen to have a price tag. I know how my value as a therapist and I think I am worth the price that I charge.

As an employee, many of us, do not feel value in our role and hence do not get remuneration package that we deserve. Some employee has value which may be less deserving than the package. Value is said to be linked to ‘deserving’. Value can also be rewarded in kind such as reciprocal services. A husband who values his home-stay wife might show his kindness in intimacy. A wife might show her husband’s value by a welcoming home-cooked meal. A friend might value her friendship with loyalty.

Worth and value are intimately connected, interplay with synchronicity. Worth and value bond to form self-esteem, self-confident and self-love. Explore your self-worth and your value. How well do they get along? Do they harmonise? Are they well-tuned?

Self-worth doesn’t happen overnight and doesn’t grow on tree. It is something that need constant focus and attention. As you have self-worth, your value will naturally increase.

Self-worth can be built but it isn’t something that can be taught here. It takes commitment and willingness. It takes energy and determination. It takes time and tender loving care. It takes empathetic connection within therapeutic relationship to make possible. And it takes a change of mindset.

What is your next step to building your self-worth and value?


The Concealed Survival Personalities

Hypnotherapy and Psycho-therapeutic counselling, REBT, and NLP Transformation Coach based in Marlow, Bucks.

The concept of Survival Personality is a set of behaviours, personalities and traits developed from toxic family environment. When parents or care-givers exerted non-empathetic expression to a child, she develops what Psychologists called Survival Personality. Where the inner and outer orientation motivated to ignore the self, ignoring personal needs, and instead serving other people’s needs.

Something very familiar to me growing up in a non-empathetic family environment. As the eldest, I took the self-effacing ‘Helpful Girl’ role. My sister took the self-effacing ‘Bad Girl’ role. As we grew up, we become identified with these roles. I became identified with my survival personality, living, believing that this was me. As adult life poses its own sets of challenges, I’d forgotten my personal needs, passions, and pleasure. Putting other first, I became aware of adopting set of behaviours around others.

All the while, survival personality grew stronger and exerts its firm grove into my personality. It reinforces sustainability by guiding selection of career, romances, friends and interests. As it builds lifestyle around itself, by being ‘helpful’ in time of challenges, it creates a life that reflect early wounding environment.

Survival personality keeps a person arrested in their development. As growth is stunted, a person become stuck in life. Stuck in relationship. Stuck in a role. Stuck in the mundane.

If something happens that shake the survival personality’s blueprint, it will disturb the setting, as it stirs. When it stirs, a person experiences inner conflict, cognitive dissonance and shake-up. The survival personality will seek to establish it hold on the self, causing somatic interference.

Oh, so familiar? Sure it!

I had been identified with survival personality for many years. My survival personality kept me self-reliant, safe and protected from others, and the hostile external environment. I was so self-reliant that I cannot and would not rely on others for anything. I insist on doing it my-self. I insist that I can do a better job. I insist that other will let me know. So, for a long while, I did everything myself. It was difficult to determine if it was a locus of control that kept me stuck in a job that I fell into. It was difficult to see, hear, feel and notice.

As the survival self-reliant personality become stronger, it had more control over other aspect of my being. I lost sight of my inner essence of the inner child. That part of me seems so far away, I cannot see.

Long hidden authentic personality did not dare show its face. The strong survival personality is impregnable. Impenetrable.

As all these take place intrapersonally, I became a drone to autonomous living. Even when in social settings, I would be lonely in the room, because my survival personality tells me that they are all threatening.

The trouble was the survival personality would still be concealed from me, hadn’t been for the turn of spiral of ‘Mid-Life Crisis’. If it wasn’t for this natural life event, I think I’d still be enslaved in the loveless marriage. I used the event as a ‘Get out of Jail’ card and ended my marriage. It was the best thing ever! I felt so free. I felt alive.

Now, I was dramatic, in my performance in the divorce and separation. But almost any event that disrupts the ruling survival personality can be knot in the kink. I hope you can see some challenges in your life serves positive outcome.

For me I am thankful for the encumbrance traumatic divorce as I considered it to be transcendent-immanent to my authentic personality as it loosens the concealment of my survival personality. So, I implore you to look at your natural (such as loss, death, relationship issues etc.) life challenges as a positive, after, the event when you had time to analyse the situation and not caught in psychological conflict. Your amazing ‘mind’ is teaching you something that aligned to your purpose, meaning and values.

Breaking barriers of ego defences

Hypnotherapy and Psycho-therapeutic counselling, REBT, and NLP Transformation Coach based in Marlow, Bucks.

Breaking barriers, here, means overcoming obstacles, blocks and stuckness. As a child of history grows up, she developed life skills, cognition, interpersonal skills from people around her. People in the family group (mum, dad, brother, sister, etc.), people in the tribal group (religious leader, governor, town crier, etc.) and people in the community group (teacher, carer, nurses, doctor, etc). People she recognised in her outer world, became the people in her inner world, creating many subpersonalities. As you introject, the outside becomes the inside.

When you grow up, you idolise others in order to learn another way of being, in certain situation. You learned by observation, imitation and mimicking. Learning is a state of being curious about something or someone. Learning is something that can be surmised to be innate. Learning is a nature part of evolutionary development. But, learning is also nurtured. Many of us may not have been nurtured healthy. Our parents aren’t always to blame, as they too are wounded parents, with a hurt inner child. When we learned from these role models, we were not conscious of the impact on our adult self.

And you learned by oppression, omission and submission too, the unhealthy part of learning. You become what you learned, just as you are what you eat. Imagine if you were oppressed to learn the etiquette of behaving in a certain ways in a presence of elderly family members. Imagine if you were cared for in a secured environment of the family unit, but love was omitted, affection was abandoned within the family. Imagine if you had to submit your will and were taught to accepting your parent’s will and their fantasy for you to become a doctor, a lawyer, a ballet dancer etc. or some profession that you do not wish to be. How well would you learn? Sure, you can learn to be all of the above, but as you learn to become someone else, something else is lost, the essence of your truth is lost.

As we become learned helpless, we learned to become someone else. And getting to know the person behind that mask become difficult as you get older. The behaviour learned become set in concrete. It is difficult to break some old habits and automatic mindset. But, not impossible to break your barriers.

Curious? Curiosity is a good friend of mine. Curiosity allows me to make the change I want. Be curious of your blockages. Be curious of the limitation you placed upon yourself. Be curious of where you are stuck.

Questioning? Questioning make me challenge the way I used to do things, the way I used to behave around certain person and the way I used to think about things. Questioning self-assesses and self-evaluate behaviours, actions and thinking. Questioning acts as a prompt to discredit your negative ego defences.

Change. Change the way you do things. Change direction to work. Change your looks or hairstyles. Change your mind. Change your interests and hobbies. Change is a good place to start taking action, if you are serious about knocking down your barriers of ego defences. Change for the sake of changing. Change and be comfortable with being uncomfortable with new changes.

Be prepare to lose. Be prepare to lose part of your old self as you eliminate unwanted barriers. Be prepare to go through the grief cycle as you psychologically lose part of yourself that have been self-serving. Be prepare to do the emotional water work.

The child in me

Hypnotherapy and Psycho-therapeutic counselling, REBT, and NLP Transformation Coach based in Marlow, Bucks.

In the early part of training as a Psychotherapist/Counsellor, my personal preference and area of interests was Inner Child Therapy. I had considered training to become an Inner Child Therapist, specifically. But, as I developed as a therapist, my path has led me to Psychosynthesis Psychology, training which I am pursuing at the Institute of Psychosynthesis. I embraced the training and professional development. I embraced the learning experiences and discoveries. Reconnecting with my roots and going through synthesis and changes. It is a wonderful journey reconnecting with my inner child. The model of Child of Self and Child of History can unify the possibility of redemption and return to the experience of Self and wholeness through love, relationship, and inner work. The essence of the Inner Child is in the heart of everyone of us.

To be as a child is to be energetic, authentic, pure and open. Openness offers open-minded perspective to see our internal and external world with a kind eyes. With a beginner’s eyes, you can see clarity, see inspiration and omnipotent possibilities. Through these eyes, you can make decision and choices without other’s fearful thoughts. You can unlearn nurtured behaviours, habits, and unwanted mindset.

The child in me is playful, fun loving, with a hint of naughtiness. She is really strong will and is most resilience in surviving in the hostility of my external world. She is a dissenter but will co-operate in order to eliminate dissonance. She is adventurous, risky, and mesmerise by natural beauty. However, she is no fool, with draconian and strong righteousness, she values equality greatly. These are just some of the themes of qualities that I have discovered. The works that is required to dismember your habit, learned behaviours and mindset are powerful. It evokes feelings, emotions and somatic tension. It is tremendous design to awaken the unconscious repressed and suppressed memories.

If you are a novice, check out the 2 books that I have recommended on my blog first. It is best if you at least read and work through the books to get a field of the work. You will find some of the exercises very painful, if there’s trauma in your childhood. But, it is advisable to follow up with therapeutic work with a therapist. So that you can learn to relate to an empathetic person who can give you the support you need during your journey. Some resources are available here.

I have discovered the child in me from training and it has been wonderful to reconnect with her. After my Psychosynthesis training, Inner Child Therapy will be offered in my therapy room. What I have discovered is the wonderful essence of the long forgotten, abandoned child within. I have reconnected with her and she now resides close within. For me, training alone would not have been sufficient. Accompanying therapy as part of on-going training and CPD was most effective. This is a long term self-development journey, when you are ready for therapy, let me know. We can journey to the past and revisit your inner child in my therapy room.

Step back to my roots


For years, I’ve been searching and chasing my tails! Like an Ouroboros! Really unsure of what I was looking for and testing different paths, roads and highways. I walked 500 miles. And I walked 500 more!

I don’t regret my search, it was the path that I needed to take. It was the journey that I needed to make.

Now in my 40s, at the virtue life stages of care, I came to a jolt. Halted by the realization, that I am back to the beginning of my search, back to square one, and back to my roots.

I wanted to know who I am, I wanted to know why I am here, I wanted to know; what is my purpose, I wanted to understand; what is my role and I wanted to identify the real me.

In my reach, I have read many self-help books, I have been in counselling and, still in counselling as I am studying for my MA. See more about me. I have reflected, contemplated and explored my psyche. I studied many forms of psychological approaches to understand my psychological profile. I have studied sociological societies and cultural differences. I have personally experienced polarized effects of differences between Eastern and Western societies. I have experimented with different types of therapies, mostly alternative therapies, such as hypnotherapy, NLP, aromatherapy, reflexology, mindfulness, meditation etc.

I wanted to fit in and belong, whether it be in a family group, community group, school group, or social group.

My journey was lonely at times. I had loneliness as my company. At times, I found myself to be lost. Tempted by materialism and greed, I began to acquire un-necessities. I was pressured into being someone that I didn’t like. I was comparing and competing against others, forced to see thou as enemy. I was confused by etiquette and political correctness.

My journey was blocked when I got stuck. Like a runner; hitting a wall, I could go no further. I was physically and mentally exhausted.

I was so busy in my search that I’d missed the beauty of my ecology. I passed through many wonders, many people and many places. Whizzing at 100 miles per hour! I missed it all!

It was only when I came to slowing down. Walking slowly and slowing my speed and pace that I realized what I had missed.

Going right back to my roots, from my earliest memories as a child, I missed the bonding, the connection and the love that I didn’t know or had. I missed having someone that I can trust. I longed for the touch and intimacy of being wanted. I yearned in my heart for the acceptance and welcoming. That’s the reason for my search.

Going back to my roots allow me to retrace my footprints in the sand. It allows me to relive some of the painful experiences and traumas in childhood. It allows me to find the earliest pain that was deep in my core. My heart and my maternal imago, and being Thai and being a Buddhist.

Going back to my roots, I found the gift that was given, the unspoken gifts and the gift made up the person I am today. The gift of love.

Inner child works helped me to find the lost little girl within, healing the sad and pensive child sitting alone in the corner recesses of my mind. I share my inner child experiences with you and I share my story with you, and I will share what I find with you, in Resources.

Today, I am still travelling and I think I will continue searching. Walking a different path, but searching. And searching is no longer daunting or arduous. The searching is fun, hopeful and exciting. Because it is not what I find but it is what I will learn along the ways that matters.

Living with the bullies


Hypnotherapy and Psycho-therapeutic counselling, REBT, and NLP Transformation Coach based in Marlow, Bucks.

I have spent times with bullies. They are everywhere! They are at work, at home, at school, at my local supermarket, at my social clubs, at my gym and on the road!

Being bullied as a teenager, I know what it is like being the subject of the bullies. Bullies targeted me because I was different; racially prejudice bullies are ripe within our society. Racism is still a problem for many people. I didn’t have the resources to deal with the bullies, but I didn’t yield to being bullied. In the situation, I sat proudly, sat up straight, learning forward, towards the bullies and tall and stared at them blankly at them; with expressionless facial features, showing no emotion of disturbances or annoyances (not giving them the satisfaction that they desire). My head and body raised up, like a venomous snake, ready to pounce, if I must. I continued to stare affixed in their eyes, and I did not yield!

And eventually, they got bored and tired of taunting, and moved onto someone who shown signs of being an ‘easy-target’. The bullying only lasted two terms. I was lucky, back in those days, I could not understand their words (having only been in the UK not even 6 months!), and so it didn’t bother me. But, I still knew from their gestures and signs of body language that I was being bullied.

I knew that I was not going to be a victim of the bullies. I knew that I didn’t want to be the victim of the bullies.

Bullying is a deliberate harming and humiliation from others. It is a very self-effacing behaviour that benefits the bullies. They get insidious, sadistic satisfaction from their taunts. They get gleeful joy from their hilariously un-funny expression and dumb jokes. They are extremely sad and insecure in themselves to have to resort to primitive social conformity, in order to fit in, in order to gain popularity. Bullies are everywhere, you won’t need to look far to see when someone is being bullied.

But it doesn’t have to be that way.

You may find it difficult to believe that bullies does not born this way. A person is generally, mostly good and pure. It is their life script, life experiences, conditioning and interpretations that made them become a bully. It begins in (Erikson’s Psycho-social development stage) the toddler, specifically around the ‘terrible twos’; at this stage, if the child’s aggressive tendencies were not curb or handle healthily, the child goes on to become a bully.

But, bullies would be nothing without victims.

Bullies lack self-confidence and self-esteem. They are plagued by an inner turmoil. Dissatisfied with life and the living. Most often, jealous of their victims that they targeted. They are envious of innocence, purity and naivety. These thinking and feeling make them unhappy and they seek to make their victims to be just as miserable and desolate. They seek to be superior over their victims.

Bullies will bully victims around other people, so that they earn recognition for their actions, with an audience. Next time, they are bulling you – clap your hands!

Different types of bullying includes:-

  • Psychological bullying; repetition and intentional use of degrading words or actions, that result in psychological harm. EG: Stalking, manipulation, intimidation, and blackmailing. This can be passively carried out. Or it can be visibly carried out as sniping and griping in the playground or as office gossips.
  • Cyber bullying; using technology and social media to verbally, socially and psychologically bully. Most recently done as ‘trolling’, as people hides behind social media to target strangers, friends and foes. Making nuisance phone calls and nuisance texts. Bullies watches from nearby for self-gratification.
  • Physical bullying; all forms of physical bodily harm and exertion of force and violence onto another. Including physical injuries such as punching, kicking, hitting a person with another object, with an intent to inflict physical bodily harm.
  • Verbal bullying; using hurtful words, comments, name-calling, teasing and sniping. Again, this can be direct and indirectly carried out. Direct verbal bullying is hurtfully name-calling, bitching at the person directly to their face, and in plain view of others, often done as a joke, in sarcasm around the office environment. Indirect verbal bulling is name-calling, bitching at the victim to another person, but within ear shots, so that it can be discarded as – I wasn’t talking to you! You misheard me, I was talking about someone else! As a diversion, groups are gathered near the victim and conversation is inflow, hurdling indirect verbal bullying.
  • Social or Relational bullying; using relationships to hurt someone. EG: Exclusion, ignoring someone at social activities, from  joining or participating in groups or events. Happens frequently in school playground, during school runs, where parents of same social class will gather to socially bully another parents who is often perceived to be less financially stabled. Or older aged parents grouped together to single out a younger, single parent (and her children, from playing with each other).
  • Sexual bullying; using sexual name-calling, sexual words and phrases to humiliate a person. Using crude and vulgar sexual gestures, uninvited touching and groping, sexual proposition and advances. Any unwarranted, unsolicited comments about a person’s sex/gender and sexual assault. Sexual development in the teenager years, are so vital for development. Sexual bullying around this age, can cause severe under-development of sexual drives. Causing promiscuous relationship development in later life for the victim, whilst satisfying the narcissistic tendencies for the bullies. Sexual bullying can lead to sexual abuse.
  • Racial bullying; using a person’s race, culture or religious differences to humiliate, isolate, and intimidate someone.

All the different types of bullying has the same theme; to target and single out the victim, to isolate and humiliate the victim, to persistently stalk, to continually and repetitively try to break the victim into submission.

From the perception of the person doing the bullying: they think they are dominant, they sadistically feel superior to their victim and gain pleasure from making someone suffer. In the short-term, they want to feel better about themselves, for their lack of self-confidence. They have less self-esteem than their victim (it’s true). They, too, are suffering, psychologically from bullying their victim, but also physically, because mostly, they are often a victim of bullying too, by someone that they cannot stand up to. Pity them if you will.

And as a result, they become mean, angry person, which is why they become bullies. However, this is not true in all cases, but this social theme is fairly common.

As bullies become their bullies, and this cyclical behaviour trend continues, when their victim becomes a bully.

From the perception of the person who is the victim: they think they are submissive, they under-estimate their abilities to cope with the bullying. I’m not suggesting or underplaying the traumatic persistent effect that a person suffer from being bullied. But, if they often think that they are powerless to do anything about it. Thinking that they have no choice but to ‘put up with it’. Thinking that there is no other alternative to handle the bullies. Suffering psychologically, possibly from freezing in situation, possibly from frightfully fearing the bullies, especially if the bullies gang up to target a person.

There are 3 ways that this person can turned out: who would you choose to be?

Person 1 – In order to make themselves feel better about themselves, they go on to bully someone else, who is smaller, weaker and perceived to be non-threatening. Become the bully themselves.

Person 2 – Cowered in the corner, curl up in a ball, become a shrinking violet. Wanting to be invisible and stand isolate, because no one will want to be around you, in case, they too will be a target for bulling. Become quite and withdrawn. Become a punchbag and covered in physical injuries, or psychological and mental scarring. Developing unhealthy eating problems or self-harm to ease the psychological and mental pain. Have difficulty sleeping, having nightmares and night terrors.

Person 3 – Standing tall take the verbal abuse – it’s really true that ‘sticks and stones may break your bones, but words cannot hurt’. Words cannot hurt, especially when they are someone else’s. They aren’t your words, why take them, why make it yours. They aren’t your opinions, why listen to them. Stand up to the bullies with your skillful will, with your witty comments and snap-chat back. Stand up to the bullies, look them in the eyes and stare at them with pity, for their suffering. Stand up to bullying and stand confidently. Stand up to bullying is not necessarily ‘physically fighting’ back, only you can make that call, it is about breaking behaviour and pattern interrupting. Interrupting this cycling of social engagement so that you do no become a bully yourself. Break free from bullying. Seek help and find resources that can help. Tell everyone about the bullying, tell as many people as possible and shout about it.

Bullies don’t have any power over you. You have the power over you. They bully you because you have surrender your power to the other. They bully you because you have unconsciously, unwilling and unknowingly given them permission to target you. But, you can change, and change is possible. You do have it in you to change. And you can start, right now, or during talking therapy with me. The choice is yours.

Identify yourself


Hypnotherapy and Psycho-therapeutic counselling, REBT, and NLP Transformation Coach based in Marlow, Bucks.

Identity, according to Psychologist, is the qualities, beliefs, personality, looks and/or expressions that make a person chooses, so others can recognize them. It is an impression of oneself through one’s own eyes. You can also called it a label.

It is a way of being identified. And the process of identity can be expressed creatively or destructively.

I once went on a training workshop, a woman introduced herself to me, “Hi, I’m social-phobic!” She identified herself as someone who fears social settings, because she believed herself to lack social skills.

The way a person introduces themselves to other people, is their self-identity and self-perception. Based on self-belief and self-worth.

However, there are other factors that determined identity. Some of which are:-

  • Role – a person’s employment or job title. Work and career identity is important and often closely associates with stautus identity.  How a person perceive their role identity says a lot about the person.
  • Health – a person’s health, illness and disabilities. In the case of my social-phobic friend. This person closely identity with their disadvanated health.
  • Status – a person’s class. Status identity is symbolic and dependant on finance and wealth. A person who identifies themselves with their status is proudly presented, with views of class or importance. This include famous celebrities.
  • Race – a person’s ethnicity and original of birth. A person who identifies with race is one whose accepts their birth rights, their ethnicity and their original. Acceptance of race means accepting cultural differences. There are great dissonance in societies regarding race today. The colour of racism comes in many guise.
  • Religion – a person’s religious beliefs. A person who identify themselves to religion is often seen preaching and disregarded for their belief. Religion plays an important role in the formation of society. It is a way to bring community together. It is a way to unite people to gather peacefully and congregate in social settings.
  • Weight – a person’s body size. A person who identify with their weight is often
  • Intellect – a person’s intelligence is concern with their mental capacity to brainpower. The sharpness and alertness of their mind. Someone who value their mental awareness and aptness for witty and quick response is seen to be on the ball.
  • Interests & hobbies – a person’s general leisurely activities. If you are a person who identifies with your interests and hobbies, this expresses creativity and art.

We are so caught up in our history and our habits that we became to identify ourselves with what others tell us. I know that, I was one. I used to identify myself using the factors above.

I used to intrapersonally think that; “I’m quick witted, intelligent, highly driven in my career, striving for independence and stature.”

And now? I realized that I am more than my identity. I am more than my body, my mind and my feelings. I am all of it and much more, expressing my transpersonal self.

Recognizing my identity means knowing myself and know my will.

Recognizing my identity means that I have a choice how and who I identify myself with in the interpersonal relationship and in communication. Identity does not have to be set in stone, nor does it has to be rigid, and according to NLP presuppositions, those with greatest flexibility exerts greatest impression.

How you identify yourself to others is important because you will imprint an impression. Did you know that the first 4 minutes matters a lot? The first 4 minutes of meeting someone new is the time that it takes for that person to form an impression of you.

Have a go at being impressive in the first 4 minutes. I love to hear about your experience of it.

The layers of change


Continuity gives us roots; change gives us branches, letting us stretch and grow and reach new heights.”  ~Pauline R. Kezer

Change is inevitable – like the prevailing southerly breeze. Change needs to happen and should happen. A seed can remain a seed. But if the seed is planted, it will bud and change. After all, a budding plant cannot remain just a budding plant in the right conditions, it will change, and through the seasons become a blooming flower. We are like the seed. We can choose to remain a seed, and there is nothing wrong with that.

But, if you feel stuck and want to change, there are processes and procedures a person goes through in order to being themselves to change. It’s easy to said than done. Change is really difficult for some people because of the fears of the unknown. For these future-focused people, it often leads to procrastination.

Change is like an onion, it has many layers. There are misconceptions that change need to be big, huge or enormous. Significant change doesn’t have to be big, it can be small changes to everyday’s life. It could be just taking the stairs rather than the lift, to increase your daily steps. It could be just having less red meat and more fish in your diet. It could be drinking more water rather than pops. Whatever it maybe, it doesn’t matter, as long as you can take this tiny dolly-steps approach to change. The big change such as moving house, getting married/divorced, changing career etc needs a different strategy. And I will get to that, after all, you can’t run before you can walk.

The next layer is to increase the dolly-steps. Make the steps bigger. How? Here are a few examples of comfortable safe dolly-steps:-

  • Change your pace.
  • Change something that you have been comfortable doing, safely. Such as change your route home, if you have a fear of being lost, even better, change the directions of your journey.
  • Change the colour of your bedroom wall, if you owe your own home, look at the room with a different perspectives from a different colour.
  • Change your mask, if you often wears your Halloween mask, change it to a Fairy mask. Whatever you change, notice what you notice.

This next layer is an even bigger dolly-step. Change something that you will be uncomfortable changing. Change something for the sake of changing. Change something that you are less confident in doing. And change your mind. Now, don’t forget our little friend – the ‘subjective experiences’. Here are a few examples of possible uncomfortable changes:-

  • For some people with long hair – changing their hairstyle to a short hair will be really uncomfortable and difficult. This dolly-step will be your turning point in that maze I referred to, in my article on stuck state.
  • Try changing something that is out of your comfort zone. Like changing your thinking – if you have a problem with this – try some of my relaxation techniques. Perhaps you think that you don’t have time to relax, I won’t stress that every need to find time to relax, it is your choice not to relax. Another quick way to quieten the mind from all your thinking is – curl your tongue up to the roof of the mouth, where the gum meets the top teeth and rest it there.
  •  Change your car – change the make of your car could be symbolic to your status. Think about how you feel if you used to have a Mercedes and if you were to change it to a cheaper less expensive car like the Micra. I am being extreme, the point here is the uncomfortable feeling and the status of the car. And as you think about this, notice the discomfort.
  • Change your job – almost as high as 70% of people in the UK hates their job.
  • Change your lifestyle choices.

This outer layer is the biggest change. It is the penultimate change. Now some people may have more category of change – but you get the gist. This level of change is often life changing and significant changes, that is why it is the last change to be made. It is the most difficult and most people are reluctant to change this stage. Some of the changes here include:-

  • Moving house for a lot of people is really traumatic. For many elderly people it can lead to poor and deteriorating health.
  • Getting married is often a time of great joy but the change is under-estimated. It is a big adjustment if two people have not live together before. It is a big adjustment to commitment to one person for the rest of your life.
  • Getting divorced – what goes up, must come down. Divorce rate in the UK is higher than marriage rate.
  • Having a baby is a milestone but change in lifestyle is required and adjustment have to be made to the home in preparation for the new baby.
  • Your physical attractiveness is often the unspoken change that a partner often wants in their spouse. This change is evolutionary as our biological clock tick away. Tick tock. And often many people seek surgical assistance to delay their aging process.

Some change is not easy to swallow. Whatever you decided to change or not, the choice is yours and yours along. Change should be made by your will and not anyone else’s. I’m not recommending any changes, in this article, that will cause any form of irreversible distress. They are simply my observation within modern society. Whatever you decide to do with the knowledge, it’s up to you, but please note this – you can only change what you do for you. If your aim is to change others and if you change for others, your outcome might not be as you want.

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Self-help Books vs Face-to-Face Therapy


Before I started training to become a therapist, I had lots of self-help books on my shelves, gathering dusts. You might be familiar with that. I regularly buy self-development books, with a very good intention to read it. If you are like me, you might have a list of all the books and their costs on spreadsheet (for a quick reference). But, out of the hundreds and hundreds of books, have you got time to reading them? There is nothing more welcoming in a home than seeing a house full of literature.

However, some of the self-help books are contradictory, confusing and condescending. You know and you have the resources to change. You know what it take to shed that last few pounds. You know what you need to do to quit smoking. You know how to reduce and prevent your anxieties. You know why it is that your mind goes blank in certain situation. And you know why it is that you can’t hold a conversation in social settings. See…you already know without reading. But, I won’t discourage that reading is extremely helpful to give you another perspectives base on the author’s subjective experiences. I love books especially self-help books for the different ideas and methods to resolving something that I may try and tested it for myself.

During my training, I had to buy lots of reference books to accompany my training, so that’s my excuse for not reading the books I already have gathering dust. And you know what, I don’t want to part with it until I finish reading them. Once, I’d read a book, I can discard it or sell it on. And I see many sellers selling old books, although I am not sure if I can sell mine, as I marked, referenced and written on them. My point is that there is absolutely nothing wrong with self-help, self-development books and I praise them. The book that I cherished are shared on my Instagram page. Check it out for yourself and follow me on social media.

However, nothing beat face-to-face interaction of a therapy session. As you are getting to know your therapist, you can really engage. In the first few sessions, you are still getting to know each other in therapy, which is why therapy sessions should be a minimum of 6 sessions. Don’t forget, you’ve only just met for about an hour. How can you expect to know each other in just an hour. These things take time. Time is a great many things. Time to reflect. Time to heal. Time to get to know each other.

Often, clients come into my therapy room, not knowing which way to turn. They are stuck in their old shoes. A simple answer would be to put on a new pair, right? Well, if only it was that easy to find a new comfortable pair. That’s often why, generally, people find it hard to get out of their comfort zone and change, as they compare the safe comfort to the competitive change. Did you know that comparison and competition both drive to control your actions, it is what kept you lost and stuck.

When you walk into my therapy room, you’ve made a change and broken free from your old routines. You want to make the change with face-to-face therapy. You are curious about what you find out. And it’s good to be curious. It’s good to be afraid of change too. It’s good to be worried about what you might uncover. Do you recall reading a really good book, the one that you can’t put down, that’s right, that one? Imagine that the book that you are reading is a book of stories of your life. Imagine reading it and imagine being curious and encapsulated with the story. Imagine that the next chapter is your therapy work and as you work through your issues, imagine the rest of your story unfolding. No wonder you can’t put that book down!

So turn the page and explore face-to-face therapy. It offers you, the opportunity to freely express your concerns, worries, and anything on your mind in a safe space. You can learn a lot about sitting with your discomforts. You’ll learn more than any self-help or psychological books. May be you are wondering why you behave in a certain ways around your parents and family members. Safe disclosure can reveal vast arena of complex relational dynamics within family groups.

Sometimes, it is easy to read those self-help books because it doesn’t challenge you, it doesn’t disagree and it doesn’t question you. And because of this, those old shoes are so comfortable. However, I implore you to be curious about learning more about the why you do the things you do, be curious about the what make you do the things you do, be curious about when is it that you do the things you do, and be curious about where you see yourself doing the things that you and if you wish to continue this pattern of behaviours.

Change is possible – just think about it because you know it.

Secrets never to be told


Secret is defined as ‘something that is kept or meant to be kept unknown or unseen by others’. Most of us have secrets never to be told, and there lie a paradox. I don’t anyone that doesn’t have a skeleton in their closet. As you keep secrets, there will be danger involve in keeping up with the lies that are attached to the secret. Secret involves deliberation of choice; how long to keep the secret, why keeping secret, and who else know about the secret. Those who hold power holds secrets.

The science behind secret is the power that you hold over someone who do not know what is going on. I know the costs of secrets and it made me really unhappy. It is like keeping a lid on a boiling pan! Inevitably, the intense pressure will blow the lid from the pan.

Keeping secrets can be for a good intention, protecting someone from exposure for their own safety for a short period of time. The content of the secret matters a great deal – keeping a secret about a family holiday to a-once-in-a-life time destination will not cause any harm. This is what I’d call safe secret. However, in long term the decision to keep secret causes anxiety and guilt. Depending on the severity and intensity of the secret, the person may be overwhelmed with emotions that it seeps through the pores, affecting rational behaviours, psychological well-being, resulting in mental breakdown.

Unsafe secret is one that is destructive, traumatic and life changing. Why do many families keep secrets can help explain this. What is being kept secret explains some common motivations. Secret leads to lie, lie leads to cheat, and cheat leads to fear. And we know (from the force of Star Trek) that fear leads to the dark side.  A secret have ways of stacking up and escalating, affecting everyone, like a domino effect. Secret becomes unconscious as we ‘chunk up’ it’s value. As an example: A friend once disclosed a secret of his affair to me – I would keep the secret by telling myself that it is for the best if his wife do not know. I’m a good friend for keeping his secret. It is supporting him and reassuring him that he is not necessarily to blame. I would convince myself that it is for the best, until he is able to reveal the secret etc.

Secrets are riddled with shame and guilt. The person holding the secret is unable to logically think of a way out. Fearing what will happen when the family find out and fearing judgement (aka Social Phobia).

Holding a secret is not necessarily unhealthy – if you partner is being secretive in his behaviour, it doesn’t necessarily means he’s promiscuous, it could be that he secretly plans when to ask you to marry him, planning your surprise birthday party, or planning a surprise anniversary holiday etc. Only unsafe or harmful secrets are ones that causes internal incongruent and violate our moral codes. It is ones that is sadistically sinful. It is ones that is self-destructive and horrifically harmful. It is ones that evokes disapproval from others. When a secret is disclosed to this person, the strong cathartic desire to spill the beans greatly influence the person to reveal the moral secret. Communicating the secret is partly self-preservation, so that they can feel better when revealing, and partly to justify their value system.

Family secrets often revolves around an abuse of some sort. Many secret persists in most families, it persists because what is going on behind closed door – stay behind closed door. It is the family code not to reveal what is going on in the family to outsiders. Secret acts to sustain and maintain a unified front. United we stand. But, it doesn’t have to be that way – you can break the destructive noose around your neck! Break the chain and break out against secrecy. Breaking out the family secret does not mean that’s dishonouring or bring shame to the family. Breaking out means doing what is right.

For the person that breaks the moral code of secrecy, there are disapproval and dismissal from other family members, as they maintain peace and harmony within the family unit. Breaking out can leave the person without support from other family members who may be skeptic or shock about the revelation that you are shunned. As part of the psychological processes a person has to juggle whether or not to reveal versus the implications of the revelation within the family. This is a small price for doing the right thing. The greater price is a stronger and more supportive family unit as everyone readjust their life position as a result of the secret revelation. Family that stay together, pray together.

As a spoiler, I rarely keep unsafe secrets from people around me. And I especially do not keep unsafe secrets within my family or close relationship. Keeping unsafe secrets do not sit right with my moral codes, and being a counsellor, this is an important ethical considerations. When a client discloses secret that has risks of personal safety or safety of a child, my ethical duties is to report my suspicions to authority or relevant protective services.  This is the only exception in the confidentiality statement, more on this in my T&C. Your secret is save with me.