The Concealed Survival Personalities

Hypnotherapy and Psycho-therapeutic counselling, REBT, and NLP Transformation Coach based in Marlow, Bucks.

The concept of Survival Personality is a set of behaviours, personalities and traits developed from toxic family environment. When parents or care-givers exerted non-empathetic expression to a child, she develops what Psychologists called Survival Personality. Where the inner and outer orientation motivated to ignore the self, ignoring personal needs, and instead serving other people’s needs.

Something very familiar to me growing up in a non-empathetic family environment. As the eldest, I took the self-effacing ‘Helpful Girl’ role. My sister took the self-effacing ‘Bad Girl’ role. As we grew up, we become identified with these roles. I became identified with my survival personality, living, believing that this was me. As adult life poses its own sets of challenges, I’d forgotten my personal needs, passions, and pleasure. Putting other first, I became aware of adopting set of behaviours around others.

All the while, survival personality grew stronger and exerts its firm grove into my personality. It reinforces sustainability by guiding selection of career, romances, friends and interests. As it builds lifestyle around itself, by being ‘helpful’ in time of challenges, it creates a life that reflect early wounding environment.

Survival personality keeps a person arrested in their development. As growth is stunted, a person become stuck in life. Stuck in relationship. Stuck in a role. Stuck in the mundane.

If something happens that shake the survival personality’s blueprint, it will disturb the setting, as it stirs. When it stirs, a person experiences inner conflict, cognitive dissonance and shake-up. The survival personality will seek to establish it hold on the self, causing somatic interference.

Oh, so familiar? Sure it!

I had been identified with survival personality for many years. My survival personality kept me self-reliant, safe and protected from others, and the hostile external environment. I was so self-reliant that I cannot and would not rely on others for anything. I insist on doing it my-self. I insist that I can do a better job. I insist that other will let me know. So, for a long while, I did everything myself. It was difficult to determine if it was a locus of control that kept me stuck in a job that I fell into. It was difficult to see, hear, feel and notice.

As the survival self-reliant personality become stronger, it had more control over other aspect of my being. I lost sight of my inner essence of the inner child. That part of me seems so far away, I cannot see.

Long hidden authentic personality did not dare show its face. The strong survival personality is impregnable. Impenetrable.

As all these take place intrapersonally, I became a drone to autonomous living. Even when in social settings, I would be lonely in the room, because my survival personality tells me that they are all threatening.

The trouble was the survival personality would still be concealed from me, hadn’t been for the turn of spiral of ‘Mid-Life Crisis’. If it wasn’t for this natural life event, I think I’d still be enslaved in the loveless marriage. I used the event as a ‘Get out of Jail’ card and ended my marriage. It was the best thing ever! I felt so free. I felt alive.

Now, I was dramatic, in my performance in the divorce and separation. But almost any event that disrupts the ruling survival personality can be knot in the kink. I hope you can see some challenges in your life serves positive outcome.

For me I am thankful for the encumbrance traumatic divorce as I considered it to be transcendent-immanent to my authentic personality as it loosens the concealment of my survival personality. So, I implore you to look at your natural (such as loss, death, relationship issues etc.) life challenges as a positive, after, the event when you had time to analyse the situation and not caught in psychological conflict. Your amazing ‘mind’ is teaching you something that aligned to your purpose, meaning and values.

The child in me

Hypnotherapy and Psycho-therapeutic counselling, REBT, and NLP Transformation Coach based in Marlow, Bucks.

In the early part of training as a Psychotherapist/Counsellor, my personal preference and area of interests was Inner Child Therapy. I had considered training to become an Inner Child Therapist, specifically. But, as I developed as a therapist, my path has led me to Psychosynthesis Psychology, training which I am pursuing at the Institute of Psychosynthesis. I embraced the training and professional development. I embraced the learning experiences and discoveries. Reconnecting with my roots and going through synthesis and changes. It is a wonderful journey reconnecting with my inner child. The model of Child of Self and Child of History can unify the possibility of redemption and return to the experience of Self and wholeness through love, relationship, and inner work. The essence of the Inner Child is in the heart of everyone of us.

To be as a child is to be energetic, authentic, pure and open. Openness offers open-minded perspective to see our internal and external world with a kind eyes. With a beginner’s eyes, you can see clarity, see inspiration and omnipotent possibilities. Through these eyes, you can make decision and choices without other’s fearful thoughts. You can unlearn nurtured behaviours, habits, and unwanted mindset.

The child in me is playful, fun loving, with a hint of naughtiness. She is really strong will and is most resilience in surviving in the hostility of my external world. She is a dissenter but will co-operate in order to eliminate dissonance. She is adventurous, risky, and mesmerise by natural beauty. However, she is no fool, with draconian and strong righteousness, she values equality greatly. These are just some of the themes of qualities that I have discovered. The works that is required to dismember your habit, learned behaviours and mindset are powerful. It evokes feelings, emotions and somatic tension. It is tremendous design to awaken the unconscious repressed and suppressed memories.

If you are a novice, check out the 2 books that I have recommended on my blog first. It is best if you at least read and work through the books to get a field of the work. You will find some of the exercises very painful, if there’s trauma in your childhood. But, it is advisable to follow up with therapeutic work with a therapist. So that you can learn to relate to an empathetic person who can give you the support you need during your journey. Some resources are available here.

I have discovered the child in me from training and it has been wonderful to reconnect with her. After my Psychosynthesis training, Inner Child Therapy will be offered in my therapy room. What I have discovered is the wonderful essence of the long forgotten, abandoned child within. I have reconnected with her and she now resides close within. For me, training alone would not have been sufficient. Accompanying therapy as part of on-going training and CPD was most effective. This is a long term self-development journey, when you are ready for therapy, let me know. We can journey to the past and revisit your inner child in my therapy room.

Step back to my roots

buddhist-monks-walking-on-rose-petals

For years, I’ve been searching and chasing my tails! Like an Ouroboros! Really unsure of what I was looking for and testing different paths, roads and highways. I walked 500 miles. And I walked 500 more!

I don’t regret my search, it was the path that I needed to take. It was the journey that I needed to make.

Now in my 40s, at the virtue life stages of care, I came to a jolt. Halted by the realization, that I am back to the beginning of my search, back to square one, and back to my roots.

I wanted to know who I am, I wanted to know why I am here, I wanted to know; what is my purpose, I wanted to understand; what is my role and I wanted to identify the real me.

In my reach, I have read many self-help books, I have been in counselling and, still in counselling as I am studying for my MA. See more about me. I have reflected, contemplated and explored my psyche. I studied many forms of psychological approaches to understand my psychological profile. I have studied sociological societies and cultural differences. I have personally experienced polarized effects of differences between Eastern and Western societies. I have experimented with different types of therapies, mostly alternative therapies, such as hypnotherapy, NLP, aromatherapy, reflexology, mindfulness, meditation etc.

I wanted to fit in and belong, whether it be in a family group, community group, school group, or social group.

My journey was lonely at times. I had loneliness as my company. At times, I found myself to be lost. Tempted by materialism and greed, I began to acquire un-necessities. I was pressured into being someone that I didn’t like. I was comparing and competing against others, forced to see thou as enemy. I was confused by etiquette and political correctness.

My journey was blocked when I got stuck. Like a runner; hitting a wall, I could go no further. I was physically and mentally exhausted.

I was so busy in my search that I’d missed the beauty of my ecology. I passed through many wonders, many people and many places. Whizzing at 100 miles per hour! I missed it all!

It was only when I came to slowing down. Walking slowly and slowing my speed and pace that I realized what I had missed.

Going right back to my roots, from my earliest memories as a child, I missed the bonding, the connection and the love that I didn’t know or had. I missed having someone that I can trust. I longed for the touch and intimacy of being wanted. I yearned in my heart for the acceptance and welcoming. That’s the reason for my search.

Going back to my roots allow me to retrace my footprints in the sand. It allows me to relive some of the painful experiences and traumas in childhood. It allows me to find the earliest pain that was deep in my core. My heart and my maternal imago, and being Thai and being a Buddhist.

Going back to my roots, I found the gift that was given, the unspoken gifts and the gift made up the person I am today. The gift of love.

Inner child works helped me to find the lost little girl within, healing the sad and pensive child sitting alone in the corner recesses of my mind. I share my inner child experiences with you and I share my story with you, and I will share what I find with you, in Resources.

Today, I am still travelling and I think I will continue searching. Walking a different path, but searching. And searching is no longer daunting or arduous. The searching is fun, hopeful and exciting. Because it is not what I find but it is what I will learn along the ways that matters.